“This is it Xavy.”
I feel nervous. I hate that I’m nervous. The minutes whittle down into seconds. My heart starts to race. Suddenly, a door in front of me cracks open. A woman walks out, her impassive face doing little to quell my nerves. The door shuts softly behind her. My heart now beats passionately. I cannot move my legs.
“Don’t do this to me buddy!” I cry silently
to my weighty legs. The whole of my being slowly joins my legs in betraying me
at the very hour of reckoning. A thought whizzes in my cloudy brain.
“Call on Jesus! Do it, quick!”
My shut mouth screams to this Jesus, a bible verse interrupting the muted screams:
“…I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…”
Then another slips in:
“…I am God’s decency in Christ…”
The door opens again before a microphone is shoved into my face. The nerves melt away, and are replaced by a chilling boldness. Head held high, I calmly make my way onto a large, red, X-mark on the floor. I come to a halt and face the panel, eyes resolutely fixed into theirs. Then…then a smile sets in. I did not trigger it.
“Nooooo! Stop smiling dude!”
My mouth curtly follows the smile.
“Goodnight guys? Or is it still evening…or morning?”
“Oh no! What are you doing?!"
A member of the panel cuts in. He seems to have noticed my apprehension.
“Xavier, are you ready to be the next presenter?”
I mouth a convincing yes.
“Great! Your 60 seconds start, now!”
“Now
onto some breaking news making its…”
A voice roars in from the background. “Your mic is not on Xavier.”
I flip a small switch on the microphone’s side.
“Onto
some breaking news making its…coming from Machakos…train in Athi…aaam…aaah…the
details coming into our newsroom is, are, the details are still scanty…sooo…aaah…”
Crap!
An eerie silence creeps into the room, loudening a clock’s ticks behind me.
“Say something dude!”
The silence ensues. The six panelists simultaneously scribble into their notepads. A camera slides closer to my face. After about two hours of silence, a “sorry” escapes my mouth.
“You’re done?” Eric Latiff asks coldly.
“Yes,” I say before heading towards the opening door, microphone stretched towards a woman standing by it. I feel calm as I walk into the morning air; an icy breeze tenderly caressing my burning face. A woman waiting to walk into the room smiles at me. I smile back then mouth an inaudible “good luck”. A guy stands on a short line formed behind the woman.
“Xaaaaviiiier!” Njeru shrieks, a warm smile plastered on his face. I smile back, and then sigh an “all the best”. A clock on the wall displays a huge ‘3:10’ on its glossy face.
Half an hour later, Njeru walks to the front of the small crowd gathered around the panelist’s table in the death room I had stood in not so long before. His name is seventh of the shortlisted ten to participate in an exciting reality show that will air in a few weeks. For the first time I join the crowd in clapping.
*
I have faced failure quite a few times in my life, but today’s early morning experience effortlessly ranks up there with my very worst. I do not want to even imagine going through anything worse in the future! I have to admit, I’m reeling from it and feel like a massive failure. I feel let down. By my mouth. By my brain. I feel let down by God!
The past couple of weeks, I’ve been coming alive to something rather fascinating called God’s grace. Grace is unmerited favour. Unearned and unwarranted goodness and love. God’s grace is something really special, as it takes us through the verities of life knowing that whatever stupid thing we do, God is still on His throne, arms open, beckoning us to go in for a hug. Grace enables good deeds to come our way, but last night, I saw a different side of grace. Grace in failure.
See
guys, I’ve been learning that the good things God brings our way are not
dependent on whether we do good things or behave in an honorable manner. Don’t
get me wrong, I fully understand that God in His word states:
***Psalms 37:23***
If the Lord
delights in a man’s way, He makes his steps firm.”
I know
He expects us to honor Him in all our ways, but the next verse of that
scripture opens us to the immensity of God’s grace.
***Psalm 37: 24***
Though he stumbles,
he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.
God’s
love resonates even in our darkest moments as He knows we may occasionally
stumble. His grace is so sufficient to us, that He promises to lift us up when
we fall. I know I felt a bit let down in a way by God during my greatest hour
of need today, and steering far, far away from Him is a thought I’ve
entertained a number of times, but running to Him would actually be the shrewd
thing to do, as He says in His word that He has good things planned over my
life, and that He also works all things out for the good of those who trust in
Him. And also, I today learned that no matter what we go through, God is still
on His throne. He was there cheering me on in my bold walk towards the red,
X-mark, even when He knew I would blow my lines.
***Romans 5:3-5***
We
glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to
shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy
Spirit, who has been given to us.
Now I
won’t lie I know how tough it is to live with the memoirs of failure (though I don’t
think I’ll want to hear KTN’s theme songs for quite a loooong time :-), but I
find peace in knowing that God promised to have my back, especially during the rough
times.
***Psalms 40:2***
He
lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire; He set my feet
on a rock, and gave me a firm place to stand.
“…there
is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet…”
Because God won't forget
All the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet…”
-Brandon
Heath, Wait and See.
P/S:
Watch
out for Robert Njeru on the upcoming season of The Presenter and vote, vote,
vote for him! He’s a chill guy.
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