The Interview

Today’s post is a first for me, as I get an opportunity to spend some time with BIDCO East Africa’s CEO Vimal Shah and yak about the Euro Bond crisis and other things his impressive insight will deem fit. Mr. Shah has on a rather feathery proverbial cap, with numerous accolades recognizing his startling successes constantly following his wake. He notably is a recipient of the esteemed Moran of the Order of the Burning Spear and the Chief of the Order of the Burning Spear awards. Also, he is the chairperson of the East African Business Council, the Kenya Private Sector Alliance and the guy every kid should want to become like when they eventually grow up. 

 

I am at the Inter Continental. It’s infuriatingly hot, and the glass of cold cider is not really doing much to abet the situation. Mr. Shah is running late, as we were scheduled to meet at two in the afternoon, but I wait. It’s Vimal Shah I’m waiting for. I mean, if you are made to wait for someone, at least let it be Vimal Shah. 

 

Okay, it’s a half past three and Mr. Shah still hasn’t showed up. Also, no form of communication from his end has come my way, but it’s okay. His Camaro is probably experiencing engine trouble and he’ll instead, in a jiffy, get here on his chopper. Besides, The Inter Con has these really amazing chapos. They taste like unicorn tears mixed with Muthoni DQ music; like these really amazing ones some guy named Odhis used to make for Blue Post in Kakamega back in the day... I digress! So Mr. Shah has sent me a text: 

 

“Vipi vipi mtu nguyaz? Maze iza jo! Kasomething

kalicome up,ikanibidi nivuke border kiasi. But

 nikiturn, tutachapa iyo interview mzeiya. Kimoja.” 

 

Yes, Mr. Vimal Shah texts in sheng. Yet another reason why you mothers out there should encourage your kids to be like him. Anyway, I honestly am a bit bummed that I’ve been made to wait all this time for nothing. But it’s okay. I at least ate chapos. 

 

So the interview with Mr. Shah isn’t happening, at least not for now. You guys will have to check back hopefully in the not so distant future, and maybe I’ll have something from Shavi (I call Vimal Shah - 'Shavi'. No, you cannot call him 'Shavi'. That kind of is our thing…) 

 

I spot a familiar face as I'm finding my way out of The Inter Con’s lobby. I think I know this guy spectacularly dressed in a white chef outfit… Well would you know! Odhis was poached by The Inter Con! I knew those chapos were no coincidence! Mothers, the only person you should encourage your kids to take after, other than Vimal Shah, is Odhis the chapo guy. Seriously, this guy’s hands originally were God’s before He grew tired of them, decided to shed them off and grow new ones.  So in my wisdom, and the wonderful opportunity providence has provided by bringing up Mr. Shah’s sudden itinerary, I have decided to interview the outstanding - really, he is standing outside The Inter Con – the outstanding, JohnBosco Odhiambo!

*

eLiXiR: How are you Mr. Odhia… 

 

JohnBosco Odhiambo:  (smiling) C’mon bwana, just call me Odhis. 

 

eLiXiR: Okay. How are you Odhis? 

 

Odhis: (sips water) That sounds better. I am well. When did you grow a beard? You were just a small boy the other day! 

 

eLiXiR: (stroking magnificent beard) haha, Odhis. Even trees grow old. 

 

Odhis: True true. So you made it big I suppose? 

 

eLiXiR: (leans back) Why do you say so? 

 

Odhis: Bwana you buy chapatis at the Inter Continental these days! Just like Baba Fidel… 

 

eLiXiR: (chuckling hard) Odhis. I took a loan to buy those. You know who I meant to interview. You have to look exquisite when interviewing those. Let’s not flip the tables here though. This talk is meant to be about you. 

 

Odhis: (coughs strenuously) Now what would people want to know about an old cook? 

 

eLiXiR: Odhis, you are the best chapati cook I know. You must have some stories to tell. But we’ll keep this as casual as we possibly can. How long exactly have you been cooking chapatis? 

 

Odhis: (pensively) hmmm, I have never bothered to count, but I think I left Chapati School in 19… 

 

eLiXiR: Wait! You went to Chapati School?! There even is a Chapati School?! 

 

Odhis: Yes! In Ugunja. But I hear it was turned into a super market. (coughs) I graduated top of my class in ’87… 

 

eLiXiR: I was not even born then! 

 

Odhis: My boss here hadn’t been born either. So I got out of school then got my first job at Matete Hotel in Kakamega. 

 

eLiXiR: I know that place!

Odhis: I made chapatis there for a while, and then the elections in ’92 meant I had to go home and vote…I never went back to Kakamega till much later. 

 

eLiXiR: Why? You started up your own hotel? 

 

Odhis: Nooo! (face lightens) I met Akinyi on the voting queue and we got married a month later. 

 

eLiXiR: That is really sweet. 

 

Odhis: Yes, so we’ve been together for twenty three years now, and have been blessed with five children. 

 

eLiXiR: That is great Odhis. 

 

Odhis: In fact, my girl is finishing college next month. 

 

eLiXiR: That is nice.

Odhis: She cooks really well by the way. 

 

eLiXiR: Okay. 

 

Odhis: Are you married? 

 

eLiXiR: Aaaam, no? (sits upright) I have a bunch of questions I like asking my interviewees, do you mind if I ask you some? 

 

Odhis: Definitely not. 

 

eLiXiR: Great, now I know you spend so much time in the kitchen as a chef, what is the strangest thing you’ve eaten? 

 

Odhis: (grimaces) I once tasted cavia...this is for your personal blog, isn’t it? 

 

eLiXiR: Sure sure. 

 

Odhis: (relieved) Good. My boss would surely fire me if he found out it was I, and not a stray cat, who ate the kilo of caviar. 

 

eLiXiR: Oh… 

 

Odhis: So I tried out caviar, I hated it. 

 

eLiXiR: But it’s very pricey! 

 

Odhis: Expensive crap is what it is. 

 

eLiXiR: Alright. So if you could choose, what would your last meal on earth be? 

 

Odhis: (sips water) Omena. 

 

eLiXiR: That’s it? 

 

Odhis: That, or ugali served with stew made from a bald hen. You know those? 

 

eLiXiR: (shakes head) I’m afraid not. 

 

Odhis: You don’t know those hens without hair on their necks? 

 

eLiXiR: Oh! Those. 

 

Odhis: Yes, those. (smiles) They allegedly cleanse sins. It would help me go to heaven straight. 

 

eLiXiR: Okay. Speaking of baldness, (turns head as if looking for something) I’ve seen a bald guy with a chef outfit somewhere… 

 

Odhis: Kiarie? 

 

eLiXiR: Yes, him. Does he have to wear a hairnet while in the kitchen? 

 

Odhis: This is the Inter Con. He has to. 

 

eLiXiR: Right, right. Would you, Odhis, be willing to reduce your life expectancy by fifteen years to become extremely attractive? 

 

Odhis: No. 

 

eLiXiR: Ten years? 

 

Odhis: No. 

 

eLiXiR: Five? 

 

Odhis: (irritated) Bwana The Nairobi Law last month voted me the most handsome man in Kenya! In fact, Akinyi became a bit worried when The Inter Con came calling five years ago...

 

eLiXiR: Why? 

 

Odhis: I don’t know really. 

 

eLiXiR: You should ask her. 

 

Odhis: (coolly) I actually will tonight. 

 

eLiXiR: Did you hear about the private developer? 

 

Odhis: Hear what? 

 

eLiXiR: That he is one-armed. That’s why he could not be arrested. 

 

Odhis: Wua! 

 

eLiXiR: How would you handcuff a one-armed man, Odhis? 

 

Odhis: Eh, that is a tricky one. (stares at a passing waitress) I don’t think I’d try handcuffing a one-armed man. 

 

eLiXiR: Why not? 

 

Odhis: I haven’t seen a handcuff for one-armed men in Kenya. But the Netherlands allegedly do have one… 

 

eLiXiR: (stroking magnificent beard…again) We could improvise? 

 

Odhis: (cringes) Nooo! Not in Kenya. Kenyans are experts at picking locks. 

 

eLiXiR: Haha. We are. Well thank you for your time Odhis. It was really nice talking to you today. 

 

Odhis: (putting on chef hat) It’s my pleasure bwana. Say hi to Bwana Shah when you see him. Tell him to keep Chipsy in the market.  

 

eLiXiR: (smiling) I will.